Proof that My Kids are Funnier than Yours

Kids are innocently hilarious.

It’s not that they tell clever jokes or trade witty barbs. Instead, little kids say things that make us laugh without having any clue what just happened. They’re completely oblivious, yet pleasantly surprised that we find them entertaining.

Although many find it odd, having five kids has its advantages. First of all, it’s free entertainment. With that many little ones running around, something hilarious happens on a daily basis. Secondly, higher numbers creates natural anonymity. I can tell stories about them, and you’ll never really know which one did it. So basically, they can’t get mad at me later in life for writing this post.

With that in mind, here’s a few unintentionally clever, witty, funny and awkward things my kids actually said:

  • Grandma’s Hair. On a lazy afternoon, one of the kids was sitting on my mom’s lap. He looked up at her, touched her hair and said, “Grandma, your hair is so soft! Just like dog poop.”
  • Stuck in Traffic. I’d love to meet the genius who decided it was a good idea for all of the major expressways in Chicago to converge in one place. This epically awful design ensures that you’ll encounter traffic jams at frequent yet unpredictable times. After a long day away from home, we found ourselves completely stopped in traffic on a Saturday afternoon. Exasperated, one of the kids yelled from the back of the van, “We’re going as fast as a cheetah with all four legs broken!”
  • A Church Greeting. It was palm Sunday. Even though I question the wisdom of this decision every year, all of the kids received palm branches in Sunday school. Naturally, my toddler decided it would be fun to hit people in the face with it. Then, he creatively revised what he learned about Palm Sunday in class. He jammed the palm branch into my face and yelled, “Hosanna in your face!”
  • Understanding Retirement. My father-in-law retired after a long and distinguished career in law enforcement. Since they’ve never really worked a day in their lives, kids don’t quite grasp the concept of ‘retirement’. In an effort to learn more, one of the kids asked, “Hey Papa! Why did you stop working? Because you were scared of the bad guys?”
  • Don’t Worry, Dad. Every summer, we spend a long weekend in rural Wisconsin with another large family. The kids decided it would be fun to make some silly videos on an iPod Touch. My son co-starred in one short film with an enormous pile of horse manure. It featured him jumping as high as he could, and forcefully landing right in the middle of that fresh pile of horse poop. Upon viewing the video, I expressed how incredibly gross this was. In an effort to make me feel better, he said, “Don’t worry dad! I was wearing sandals!” 
  • Deep Thoughts. Kids love to ask hard questions. And trying to explain the laws of physics or finer points of theology to a toddler can be a challenging task. But every once in a while, I’ll get a deep philosophical question that defies explanation. For example, one of my boys asked, “Why do we call it a ‘pair’ of underwear when it’s only one?” That kid is clearly a deep thinker.
  • The Grinch. It drives most adults completely insane. For whatever reason, little kids fixate on one particular movie or TV show. For one of my sons, it’s the newest version of “The Grinch” starring Jim Carrey. I’m pretty sure that kid has seen it about two hundred times. Unfortunately, his passion for the film began when he was still developing his ability to properly pronounce certain letters and syllables. His version didn’t sound anything like “The Grinch”. First of all, he dropped “The” from the title. Then, unable to form the “Gr” sound, he changed it to a “B”. And that pesky “n” was too hard to say, so he just made it silent. Take a moment to process that. Then you’ll understand why it was slightly embarrassing for our kid to loudly request that movie in various settings on a daily basis for months.
  • Feeling Old. I’m sure you don’t feel very old. But a little perspective from some children will fix that for you. One day, the kids were quizzing us about our childhood. In the midst at marveling at life without cell phones and Netflix, my daughter asked, “What was it like living in the 1900’s?” Ouch. 
  • The Baby Announcement. The moment of truth finally arrived. With four kids in the family, our ratio of boys to girls was equal. And both sides wanted baby number five to break the tie in their favor. When an ultrasound revealed the answer, we went home to tell the kids. Like any good parent with a smartphone, I decided to film the response. And it was epically amazing. [Can’t see the video? Watch it here.] 

     Even though some pretend it isn’t, parenting is a significant challenge. We’ve had our fair share of headaches and trials. But thankfully, God provides stories like these to keep us laughing for years.

    What’s your funny kid story?

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