Don’t be fooled by the smiles, rosy cheeks, free candy and good intentions. Things aren’t always what they seem.
Have you ever stopped to think about what’s really going on with those popular American holiday icons? I spent a few minutes peeling back the familiar festive veneer to see what’s hidden beneath the surface. What I discovered was horrifying, creepy…and hilarious.
Here’s a look at your favorite holiday characters, unmasked:
- Santa Claus – He’s an unshaven, overweight senior citizen that wears the exact same red velvet jump suit every day. And he’s watching you. All the time. If you measure up to his ambiguous standards of good behavior, he’ll sneak into your house in the middle of the night and eat your dessert. Then he’ll leave a few gifts and escape unnoticed.
- Frosty the Snowman – A long time ago in a village somewhere, there lived a snow creature with a smoking problem that befriended children. He regularly ran through the streets laughing, carrying a broomstick and wearing a used silk hat. When the police asked him to stop, he refused to comply. In the end he abandoned the kids, made them cry and eerily proclaimed, “I’ll be back.”
- Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – This juvenile reindeer with a facial deformity was mercilessly bullied by his peers. He ran away from home with a man who quit his job to pursue unlicensed dentistry. Together they discover an island filled with individuals that have been shunned by society. Rudolf abandons them all and wanders alone for years. Eventually, a popular old man gives him a job that overtly takes advantage of his handicap.
- The People in the Song “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” – A small group of individuals with terrible manners accepted an invitation to a party. Upon arrival, they expressed the obligatory “Merry Christmas” and “Happy New Year” greeting. Then they demanded a very specific and obscure type of pudding, and refused to leave the house until it was served. Nobody knows what happened next.
- The Easter Bunny – This genetically mutated white rabbit lays pastel colored eggs. As if that wasn’t weird enough, the eggs are filled with below average candy. Once a year, it breaks into your house and lays a few eggs in a wicker basket filled with fake grass. Then it leaves.
- Cupid- This unusually short winged man flies around naked and shoots arrows at people. Nothing more needs to be said.
- BONUS: The Tooth Fairy – Lurking somewhere in the shadows, there’s a mysterious winged creature that’s completely obsessed with children’s teeth. So much so that it’s willing to pay for them. Due to some sort of anti-social condition, it doesn’t complete this transaction directly. Instead, it prefers to sneak into your kid’s bedroom at night, move in really close to their face, and slip an awkwardly small amount of cash underneath their pillow. Then it flies away in silence with the tooth.
Sorry to crush your dreams and warp your memories. But somebody had to tell you the truth. You can thank me later.